


Shattered

by carpethefanfics



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Eventual Fluff, Friendship, Heartbreak, Love, M/M, Make Up, Violence, eventual love, trigger - Freeform, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-08 12:43:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10386909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpethefanfics/pseuds/carpethefanfics
Summary: ‘Why? What possible reason is there for you to do this? It took you two so long to even talk about that damn pining, so long to finally just admit you were so head over heels for each other and you’re throwing it out the window!’





	1. Remus

**Author's Note:**

> Mentions of violence.
> 
> Enjoy.

  * He can feel how tight his knuckles are and how the skin stretches
  * Strained by the tensing of his muscles and the way his fists curl
  * He’s trying not to keep his eyes so tight
  * Reminding himself over and over _and over_ again that this is what he wanted
  * This is what he asked for
  * And although he hadn’t pictured it
  * Hadn’t let his mind wander that far
  * He couldn’t get it out of his head anymore
  * And he was trying so hard not to break glass
  * Not to rip pages from books and tear apart the room and ram his fist off the stone wall until his knuckles bled
  * Until he hurt outside more than he hurt inside
  * But then the dorm room door slams open and he doesn’t want to punch walls
  * Doesn’t want to blindly ram his fists off things until his arms are heavy and his heart is weak and his head is weary
  * He just wants to scream
  * ‘You asked for this you know’
  * And his voice is thick with frustration
  * Because it has been nothing but tension for the past month
  * And it’s only getting thicker
  * And they all can feel it but they’re trying not to ruin everything at the same time that they’re trying to save it
  * ‘I realize that James’
  * Remus’ voice is soft and quiet
  * And he knows it’s because he’s kept his voice tightly locked away for so long
  * Trying not to say the words that are bouncing of the walls of his mind
  * ‘You think this is what he wants Remus? You think he could ever fucking want this?’
  * He can hear James’ throat tighten and his voice go hoarse
  * He’s trying not to scream too
  * But Remus knows its coming
  * ‘You’re blind James’
  * ‘Oh shove off Remus you see exactly what I see.’
  * ‘Yeah the hickeys are a sure sign he wants me Prongs.’
  * He can’t control the sarcasm
  * Or the pang in his chest at the images that come with the words
  * And that’s what sets James off
  * ‘You told him off! All you do is argue with him! You basically threw him into that prat’s arms’
  * ‘Yes I did. And I should have known this was coming, we all know he can be a real shit.’
  * ‘He was trying so hard Moony. So hard _for you_.’
  * ‘Don’t you fucking dare pull that _for me_ bullshit. He gave up easily enough.’
  * James slams his book bag onto the ground
  * He storms towards Remus who’s still sitting on his bed
  * The floor much more appealing to his eyes than the sight of James’ red face and furrowed brow
  * ‘Can’t you see he doesn’t want that!’
  * ‘Well he doesn’t have a bloody choice does he!’
  * ‘Not if you won’t even give him one!’
  * ‘I can’t fucking give him one.’
  * ‘Why? What possible reason is there for you to do this? It took you two so long to even talk about that damn pining, so long to finally just admit you were so head over heels for each other and you’re throwing it out the window!’
  * James is shouting so loudly now
  * His face so red, his eyes so blood-shot
  * Remus knows its been frustrating for him to see Sirius the way he’s been
  * The dark eyes and the gritted jaw
  * The rebellious attitude that had been so charming
  * That had been leather jackets and sipping firewhiskey and midnight laughter
  * It had suddenly become so aggravating
  * Because now it was clothes that Sirius bought rather than washed
  * It was alcohol to sleep instead of alcohol to give him the courage to lean forward and kiss Remus
  * It was irksome silence replacing their laughter
  * And Remus was sorry
  * Merlin he was _so sorry_ but he couldn’t do it
  * Couldn’t get the anxiety in his mind to slow down 
  * Couldn’t get himself to stop what it made him do
  * ‘He’s a Black, James.”
  * And suddenly James’ eyes are going wide
  * _‘What?’_
  * ‘He’s … He’s a Black.’
  * Remus sighs as he interlocks his hands
  * The floor still where his eyes are glued
  * ‘What does that have to do with _anything_? That has never been a problem for you all that pureblood bull-’
  * ‘It’s **everything** James! You have to understand that!’
  * Remus looks up now
  * His golden eyes meeting James’ dark brown ones
  * He can feel the tears
  * Because he has only said this aloud one other time and it broke him inside
  * Broke him just a little less than when he ended things with Sirius
  * ‘And why do I have to understand that?’
  * ‘ **Lily**.’
  * The name is soft on his lips
  * Like he’s been afraid to say it, afraid to play this card and make his best mate understand
  * But he can hear James swallow thickly
  * Obviously taken off his guard as his shoulders slack
  * ‘Whats Lily got to do with this? Why are you changing the damn topic!’
  * ‘I’m not doing it on purpose it just seems to be the only way to get it through your thick skull!’
  * Their eyes are glued together
  * And Remus needs to get this out
  * Because he needs one of them to understand why he’s not being illogical
  * Why he **knows** this is for the best
  * Why Sirius and him are just not _meant to be_
  * ‘My skull is not-‘
  * ‘Shut up for a minute and think would you James. You’re one of those special 28 pureblood families are you not?’
  * ‘Well yeah-‘
  * ‘And Lily, she’s a muggle-born right. No pureblood ties at all.’
  * ‘Sure but-‘
  * ‘Well imagine your parents. They’re these wonderful people who don’t buy into that pureblood bullshit. Who don’t care that Lily doesn’t come from an entire line of purity and incest and  tradition.’
  * And James is nodding now
  * Watching Remus intently as he rambles on
  * ‘But imagine they aren’t so ruddy wonderful Jamie. Can you imagine for a second that you’re in Sirius’ house sitting around that giant black mahogany table not speaking unless you’re spoken too. And you know how skilled your mother is as a legilimens. And you know you’re in love with a person that your parents think as less, someone they would **_hate_**. Imagine you don't even bring her to meet your psychotic mother, imagine you just thought about it. Even for a half a second. And now she knows because she’s seen it in your mind and all she’s ever done is beat, _literally beat_ , into you how important it is to keep the bloodline pure.’
  * James’ face is tight and his lips are pursued and his shoulders are stark
  * But his eyes are still on Remus as the tears roll down his cheeks
  * As the words fall off his tongue like they have wanted too for weeks
  * ‘Imagine Lily knows that Jamie, imagine that all she can think about is how much **pain** you are going to be in, how much your mother will do to you, how much your mother will **curse** you if she ever finds out you dared like a mud-blood or a half-breed … let alone _loved_ one.’
  * James is standing so stoic and still
  * And Remus feels like his chest is collapsing
  * But he can’t stop himself
  * ‘Think about how Lily would feel James. Knowing that when you go home you might not make it out. That every time she hugs you in the compartment rather than on the platform she’s thinking somewhere in the back of her mind that you aren’t going to come back to her … Or put yourself in _her shoes even_ Jamie. Think about how you would feel if Lily’s parents _hated you_ , _hated your kind_ , so much that they would beat her because of it. Imagine that you’re lying next to them in bed and running your fingers over the smoothness of their skin and thinking about how beautiful they are just for them to wince at your touch because there’s this dark purple mark that he wears like a bloody badge of honour. And you think _oh god how did you get that_? And he says, as though it were a joke, that he left his shoes in the hallway.’
  * Remus can feel himself shaking now
  * The utter rage and ferocity that runs under his skin all but coming to the surface
  * ’And imagine what they would do to him if they knew about me Jamie. Knew that he was in love with some half-breed who turns into a literal fucking monster every night. **I can’t even breathe** when I think about what would happen. And I know you’re going to say that he’s strong and he knows what he’s doing but I can’t take that chance. _Not with him_.’
  * Remus turns his eyes to the floor for a moment as he swallows painfully
  * And then turns his eyes back to James
  * ’Wouldn’t you do anything ** _, anything_** in your power to protect Lily? Even if it meant shattering your own heart? Even if it meant breaking hers? Even if it meant every day you had to watch her trying to get back at you for what you did by snogging some perfect pureblood all over the castle? _Merlin_ , wouldn’t it be worth it Jamie? Just to know that in the end at least they’re safe?’
  * His can feel how his shoulders are shaking now
  * How the tears wash down his face
  * How his hands grip each other so tightly he feels he might break
  * And he doesn’t know when his eyes found the floor again
  * Or when that warmth engulfed him
  * But the sound of rhythmic breathing is nice
  * And the feeling of someone else’s heart beat is calming the raging of his own
  * _‘Remus’_
  * Remus’ eyes turn to see James
  * He’s leaned back from him now, from the hug that was so warm
  * And his face his solemn
  * ‘You’re right. And I agree with you because I would give everything I had to keep Lily safe. If anything I did caused her pain … if I had to break my own heart to protect hers ….  _I would_.’ 
  * Remus is nodding his head
  * His heart hurting as James comes to terms with his truth
  * ‘But you’re **wrong**.’
  * Remus can’t help but furrow his brow as he watches James’ mouth go from open to shut
  * As his eyes dart to the doorway
  * As he hears the hinges on the dorm door creak open
  * His head spins back
  * And his heart catches in the pit of his stomach
  * ‘ _Sirius_.’




	2. Sirius

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius comes upstairs sick and tired of making out with someone when Remus isn’t there to watch and feel jealous only to overhear everything Remus says to James.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heartache But Eventual Love.
> 
> Enjoy.

  * He’s been standing at the top of the stairs for long enough
  * Long enough to hear the words that fall from Remus’ lips
  * Long enough to hear words that make him realize he was right all along
  * Long enough to, at the same time, make him feel his heart shattering in his chest
  * Flecks of it stuck under the bones that line his ribcage
  * Caught up in his throat making him choking on air that’s no longer there
  * Because this is **real**
  * And he can’t keep himself hidden anymore
  * He takes a step forward
  * His hand pushing the door, the hinges creaking
  * He hears his voice as the room comes into view
  * The voice he’s been aching to hear for weeks
  * _‘Sirius.’_
  * It’s broken
  * Much more broken than he wanted to hear
  * And Remus’ pale skin is blotchy from the tears
  * And his eyes are rimmed with red from rubbing away the wetness
  * And Sirius wants to walk over there
  * Wants to wrap Remus into his arms
  * Whisper into his golden curls that he knows now, he understands now
  * But there’s another part of him
  * A part deeper inside that is making his hands clench and his jaw grit and his shoulders tense
  * _How dare he_
  * He continues his slow pace towards them
  * His eyes locked on Remus
  * ‘ **James**.’
  * He doesn’t say another word
  * He watches James in his peripheral trying to catch his eyes
  * Watches him rise from the bed, his arms dropping from Remus’ frame with one final reassuring squeeze
  * And Sirius can see that Remus is shaking
  * Can see that there’s this sorrow written across his features for whatever Sirius has heard, for whatever Sirius plans to say
  * But it means nothing when the rage in the pit of his stomach is rising
  * And he cannot even fathom how he’s going to utter any words
  * Because his heart broke the day he heard
  * _‘I don’t want this Sirius’_
  * _‘We can’t be together anymore_
  * _‘I’m sorry’_
  * Because Remus had to tear his fingers from Sirius’ grip on his sweater
  * Had to avoid the way tears Remus had always brushed away ran down his face
  * He slept in the Astronomy Tower after that
  * Spent nights hoping that Remus would come
  * Knowing that to step into that dorm room alone meant stepping into his bed, _not theirs_
  * Meant sleeping beneath cold sheets he hadn’t felt on his skin in weeks
  * Meant there would be no heart beat against his back, no hand curled against his stomach, no lips against his neck before the sun greeted him
  * He had hoped that Remus would find him
  * Would come back to him
  * Hoped he would lead him back to their bed and sear his apologies into his skin with his mouth and the pads of his fingers
  * Hoped everything would be _okay_
  * But every rustle he heard was just the wind, every sound just a thought he had conjured up in his head
  * And now he was standing in front of the man he loved
  * So many weeks since his heart had first been pierced
  * And he knew that it wasn’t true, that he had felt that ache for nothing
  * That the words that haunted him
  * That followed him around like the weight of a chain draped over his shoulders were **_false_**
  * But he couldn’t understand how in Remus’ mind he thought that pain this was better?
  * That he could _protect_ him by **hurting** him?
  * That he could _save_ him by **giving** him up?
  * He wants to scream
  * But instead waits
  * Waits until he hears the door click shut
  * He flicks his wand to keep it that way and then throws it aside
  * **‘How could you?’**
  * Is all he can think to say before he feels his emotions coming to a boil
  * His sadness is bubbling over
  * His anger pushing him away from Remus
  * He feels his shoulders shaking and his tears falling and he’s watching Remus’ eyes go wide
  * ‘How could you?’  
‘How did you look me in the eye that day?  
How have you looked at me everyday since?  
How could you think that making me feel **this** .. was worth it?’
  * **‘I was trying to protect you Sirius’**
  * His eyes are still locked on Remus as the barely audible words leave him
  * ‘ _Protect me?_ You think that’s what you were doing?  
I’m so **mad** at you …  
I can’t fucking believe you …  
I’m so in love with you don’t you get that?’
  * Sirius feels his voice falter as he admits it aloud
  * Admits things he should feel so comfortable saying to Remus, to his Moony
  * But he feels so small now, so weak
  * And he hasn’t felt this vulnerable in a while
  * But that’s the thing about Remus, he _changed_ him
  * Changed him in ways Sirius doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to go back on
  * ‘I’ve always been so in love with you …  
Why don’t you _know_ that? Why don’t you _see_ that!
  * But the more he speaks, the more he looks at the heartache in Remus’ eyes the more he remembers those nights
  * The first few were the hardest
  * The seconds when he felt his eyes blink open
  * And his hand reached out before he could recoil it
  * Before he could recall the pain
  * ‘You didn’t do this for me… You did this for you.’
  * _‘Sirius what are you tal-?’_
  * ‘Afraid my mother would hurt me? Why? Because you would lose me? You broke my heart so it would hurt less if she ever did anything to me? Merlin you- You’re so selfish- _I don’t know_ \- I’m so **fucking** -’
  * ‘No Sirius it was never about me!’
  * And Sirius brings his hands to grip the side of his head
  * And he covers his face with his palms as he realizes what he needs to say
  * He turns back to Remus from storming about the room
  * Remus looks smaller than Sirius has ever seen him look
  * Helpless and fragile
  * ‘She knows Remus.’
  * And now he can see it on his face that it’s Remus that can’t breath
  * His lungs somehow stop working as he watches Sirius’ face
  * As his eyes widen, his mouth drops
  * _‘You told her?’_
  * The question leaves Remus so quietly Sirius has to pause
  * But by the surprise that comes to Remus it appears he hadn’t even thought to say it, it had slipped out as his mind lost control
  * As his worst fear for Sirius comes to the forefront of his mind
  * As Sirius accuses him of never caring at all
  * His head too busy conjuring the unbearable sadness he felt as he saw the bruises that littered Sirius’ skin
  * The cuts that run over his chest and his cheek and his forearm
  * ‘ **No**. I didn’t have to.’
  * Sirius’ brow is furrowed
  * His mouth pursed
  * But his clouded eyes find Remus through the ache in his chest
  * And he releases a breath
  * ’She’s known since the moment I laid my eyes on you.’
  * Sirius voice turns soft
  * The edge, the hard exterior that he entered the room with melting away
  * Because Remus can call him every name in the book
  * In moments when he’s being dramatic and irrational and his emotions fling him from ecstasy to depression within minutes
  * But he can never say dishonest
  * Because Sirius vowed never to be, not with Remus
  * Not with one of the only people in this life that made him feel like home was a smile and heartbeat not cold marble floors and golden furnishings and dark tapestries 
  * And Remus can’t help but watch his every movement
  * Because Sirius’ eyes are piercing through the floor
  * His fingers fiddling together
  * His body much too rigid
  * Remus knows him too well
  * ’I came back that first summer and she split my lip the moment I walked in the door Rem.’
  * Remus’ breath hitches
  * ‘She could see nothing but you in my head. She knew before I even knew.’
  * Remus’ lip is between his teeth now
  * ‘But that’s what I want. It’s what I’ve always wanted … To hear nothing but your laugh. Seeing nothing but your face in my mind.’
  * Remus’ hands are tightly locked
  * He’s trying not to forget his choice
  * Trying to remember why he hurt them both so badly in the first place
  * ‘God Remus I don’t even care that she **hates** it. Good riddance honestly. I don’t care what she thinks about me. _Or about you_. I never have. And that’s why I never told you. Because I would rather go home and build up my tolerance to the cruciatus than live my life without the one thing I want **most**.’
  * Remus can’t stop himself now
  * Can’t find the arguments that played in his head to break them up
  * The days he spent trying to find the courage to look Sirius in the eye and lie all disappear
  * He stands from the edge of the bed
  * Stops himself there
  * ‘Sirius’
  * ‘How could you Remus?’
  * ‘I-I don’t know.’
  * ‘Is this what you wanted? Is that what you really wanted?’
  * ‘I-I …’
  * ‘Tell me. Tell me now. Don’t think about it anymore. Stop trying to hurt yourself for fuc-’
  * ‘STOP IT SIRIUS’
  * Remus opens his eyes after he yells
  * His hands are balled into fists and he’s standing in front of Sirius only a few steps away
  * But it feels like a chasm
  * Feels like the deep gash he tore in his heart when his words, like a knife he had forged himself, split them
  * And Sirius looks as heated as Remus feels but he’s silent 
  * ‘No Sirius. This isn’t what I wanted. I could barely stand the idea of hurting you. I can barely stand myself right now looking at what I’ve done. It took me so long to admit that what I felt was so much more than friendship. That what I felt … that what I _feel_ is **love**. And I hate- I hate what I did to you. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m sorry I ever thought this was how I could protect you. I’m sorry all I did was hurt you .. All I did was do what she does. I-I broke your heart Sirius _oh god_ I-I broke it I broke-
  * Remus can feel himself choking on the words in his throat and the welling of tears in his eyes
  * And he wants to say this so bad but he can barely get it out
  * ‘I love you … **Sirius** _of course_  I love you I’ve always loved you and I-’
  * He’s ready to collapse
  * It’s so exhausting being this honest
  * Exhausting feeling this drained
  * But before his knees collide with the floor he’s engulfed in warm arms and a racing heartbeat and soft lips
  * And his hands are gripping Sirius’ jumper
  * And his face is cradled in the spot where Sirius’ should meets his neck
  * **His spot**
  * ‘M’sorry, M’so sorry’
  * The apologies are muffled by the collar of Sirius’ shirt and the softness of his skin
  * But all Remus can smell is the cinnamon of him and the feel of his jumper and the heat that never seems to leave him
  * And he can’t stop the sobs that wrack through him
  * The apologies endlessly falling from his lips
  * And Sirius isn’t saying anything
  * But he’s holding onto him, _really_ holding onto him
  * ‘Forgive me.’
  * Remus lifts his face from Sirius’ neck
  * His eyes clinging to the soft and saddened look in Sirius silver ones
  * ‘Can you?’
  * Sirius pauses
  * Because he’s standing here with Remus in his arms
  * And it’s all he’s wanted for weeks on end
  * And he knows what it’s like to have loved tremendously because of him
  * He knows what it’s like to hurt tremendously because of him too
  * And he recognizes that the heart is both a blade and an organ
  * But forgiveness, _forgiveness_ is how we take it back
  * How we breath love into this world when we’re bleeding on the floor by the ache in our gut that they caused
  * And it is inevitable to hurt when you are so in love
  * Inevitable to only hurt this bad because of how in love he is with those golden curls and that decadent smile and the overwhelming anxiety that permeates Remus’ life
  * ‘How could I not?’
  * Because if there is anything to be said about him it is that he is honest
  * But if there is anything to be said about Remus Lupin, about _his_ Remus Lupin, it is that he is true
  * And Sirius feels that in the taste of his lips
  * In the feeling of his tongue
  * In the way his fingers grip Sirius’ skin like they have been gone for too long from a spot they used to cling to
  * Remus never wants to let him go again
  * Because Sirius forgave him, Sirius held him in his arms and pieced back his heart from the mistake he made
  * And all he can think is that Sirius had been brutally broken
  * _He_ had been brutally broken
  * But there is still courage there to be gentle
  * To kiss away tears and smooth fingers into scarred skin as shirts come over heads and legs intertwine and hands run through thick black hair
  * Then maybe they do deserve a love deeper than the ocean itself
  * Maybe they will find it



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://carpethefanfics.tumblr.com/post/158006992377/shattered-ii

**Author's Note:**

> http://carpethefanfics.tumblr.com/post/157675506287/shattered


End file.
